Goodbye?

I really wish that I had more time for blogging. Even if it was just simply sharing my thoughts. Often times I am just too busy to get thoughts organized enough to sit down and do it. Maybe that's the Lord's way of saying I need to focus on the ministries He has given me to work in. That isn't to say I won't update on here, because I get the feeling it'd be easier if it was something He wanted me to do.

When I began blogging, I wanted to use this as a way to share my beliefs with others as a mom and wife. However, I was hiding behind my computer. I was terrified of telling people in person about the Lord and I definitely didn't like to share my beliefs. I have expressed on here before that I have wanted God to give me more boldness and He has.

It took me stepping outside of my comfort zone and letting go of my pride. Part of that was when I quit using a computer & quit blogging. I was forced to find an outlet somewhere other than here to share Him with ohters ... in person. Visitation. Handing out a tract sharing the Gospel just this last week & shaking in my little flip flops the whole time.

I think that's what He is wanting for me right now. Focusing on teaching my little girl the principles of His Word, honoring my husband, and getting my feet a little more wet in His service. Doing things in person and not having the luxury of a delete button or hiding behind my computer screen. Learning from those who have already been there ... who could write a blog themselves.

Maybe some day I will be able to blog again and share my thoughts, but I think I will be a little older before I do. In Titus, it says that the aged women are to teach the younger women. Maybe instead of blabbing my own thoughts & trying to teach through a blog, I need to spend some more time looking up to my elders and letting them teach me. (Bragging moment: You have no idea what kind of an influence the women in my life have made on me. They have been such an encouragement. They don't even know.)

This was a really random post ... I wanted to blog so I began to click away on my little phone. And I kind of feel like it is saying goodbye.

I really loved blogging, but it isn't what He wants for me. Maybe someday you'll hear from me again. Who knows.

I'm going to try and follow the Lord's leadership on that one.

I am kinda nervous about having a toddler and a baby.

I mean, I know it isn't like it was before I had Constance. I thought my life would basically end with a new baby and sleepless nights. But we got through it. Breastfeeding woes, late night fights (it gets tense when you have little sleep and your spouse is just as headstrong as you are), a crying baby and not knowing at all what to do. We got through it. We made some amazing memories. And I often miss those days.

However, I like the fact that Constance sleeps all night to a wonderful hour of 8am. I like that she is no longer needing a zillion diaper changes a day. I like that she is more independent and learning to do things on her own. I like that it is not hard to get out of the door anymore.

A new baby ... will he have colic? Will he want to be nursed fifty million times a day? Will I ever be able to get out with the both of them alone? Will I have post partum depression? Will I be able to nurse exclusively like I did with C? How will a new baby affect our busy lifestyles? Will I freak when I realize Constance is no longer my only baby, that very realization aging her somehow?

I know we'll get through it. I know that I have an amazing husband who rocks fatherhood like a champ. I have family who is supportive and understanding.

I am just a little scared.

Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by being a mother of one, I don't know if I will do a good job at taking care of two.

But I did go from a selfish lifestyle of none to one. I survived and came out better because of it.

And really that is just the beginning.

I know these are just normal mom fears. I just feel liberty in admitting it.

His name is Nathaniel Ray.

Its weird to put a name and gender to a baby I have been carrying for twenty weeks. All the sudden I imagine a hyper little boy with an attitude like his Dad and a love for the outdoors. Or maybe a boy more like his uncles who are a little more laidback. Maybe both. All I know is that I am having a baby boy. Constance will have a little brother; a Bubby. Joshua and I will have a son. I am so excited!

We still live in an apartment which means my two little ones will have to share a room. I am hoping that we will have a house by the time Nathaniel is born, but I am making plans as if we are staying here. I guess I will have on really girly side of the room and another side that will be all boy. I think Joshua would like it if I decorated it in fishing & car stuff. Haha! I guess I need to start looking at nursery decor to get ideas.

Constance is still sleeping in a crib, which means we REALLLY need to make a transition to the toddler bed. I know she's ready ... we just haven't gotten the bed yet. I am kinda nervous about this, as this means she will be able to get out of bed whenever she wants. I guess, as with everything that goes with parenting, we will learn as we go!

Constance is growing wonderfully! She talks all of the time and is always learning new words. She is in the 50th percentile for her height and weight. Her favorite show is Blues Clues, she loves milky, and she has to have her monkey in bed with her at bedtime. She hates it when I hold other babies, which gives me the indication that we will have a very jealous girl on our hands come August. However, I think she will be a GREAT big sister!

Pregnancy updates?
-My ultrasound last week said one again that Nate is a week ahead of what I actually calculated for my due date. But I still go with the original due date of August 22. I reached the halfway mark yesterday ... 20 weeks pregnant!
-I am up seven pounds.
-I get the feeling stretch marks are a comin! Could be wrong, but I've got teeny little red claw marks on my lower belly. Of course ... I think I am carrying this little guy even lower than I did C. So maybe that is playing a part in it?
-I had spotting last Friday and flipped out. I never spotted this much with C! It was over fairly quickly, but I was terrified of something going wrong.
-I have been taking it easy on the exercise, as I really have over exerted myself between that, running a home, chasing a toddler, and being very busy in ministry. I still plan to stick with it though!
-I feel Nate kick all of the time! He kicks most when I am either talking or when C lays on my belly.
-Maternity clothes are a must. A friend let me borrow some of hers so I've got some cute stuff! I loveeee being comfortable and feeling pretty at the same time.
-I often hear from most people that I don't look very pregnant ... unless I wear something that really shows it off. Yeah, I haven't heard that before. Ha ha!
-It would be really cool to have no meds this time around. We will see, we will see.
-I do plan to breastfeed again, although I get the feeling it will be quite the task considering how much busier we are this time around. But if working Mamas can do it, so can I!

I guess that's all!

16 weeks pregnant

I am sixteen weeks pregnant today! I can't believe we are already this far along. My first pregnancy just seemed to drag by, but with us being a lot busier this time around ... it is flying by! That's ok, though. I am excited to meet this sweet baby.

Our anatomy ultrasound is in a few weeks. This is the scary yet exciting time where they look at the brain, spine, heart, lungs, etc. I get really nervous during that part! However, we will also be learning the gender of our baby! I'm hoping for a boy, no lie. However, another pretty girl would be awesome too. I am just thankful that God has chosen to bless us with another child. I feel so undeserving! & Really I am ... the Lord is just wonderful enough to bless me anyway.

Mom confession: I think I am the worst Mom sometimes. Becoming a mom has really taught me to put myself aside. This is not a virtue I have mastered, believe me. It has made me more aware of how I treat others and how I spend my time. Its been a blessing, but its also showed me just how much I need the Lord! Ha ha.

Other updates? :)

Weight gain: As of today, I am up four pounds since my last appt a month ago. I think I am doing pretty good so far. I exercise every day and ... I eat healthy for the most part. ;)

Maternity clothes: I didn't hesitate to get into maternity jeans this time around. They are sooo much more comfortable. They aren't a perfect fit like my pre pregnancy jeans, so the legs are kind of baggy. But that's the price I pay for comfort! Maternity shirts still look akward on me so I wear bigger flowy shirts or dresses. I also wear a lot of skirts!

Stretch marks: I'm sure their time will come.

Movement: YES! It is becoming more often now too. :)

Morning sickness: Not one bit of it. I had nausea when I first found out I was pregnant but little did I know, I had the stomach bug plague. After that, I've been fine!

Complaints: Back pain. Other than that, I'm great. I am not really even hating on myself over my weight too much.

What are you looking forward to most? A big pregnant belly. :) and obviously, baby!

Baby names: Nathaniel Ray or Alison Lee.

That's all I have got for now. I wish I had the time to blog more. However, between all of the stuff we're doing at church, making time together as a family, running after a toddler, and growing a human ... I don't have much time at all!

And I still don't have a laptop ... but I really don't mind that too much.

Happy Wednesday! :)

Keep going ...

This past week has been life-changing for me. A man in our church and our pastor's father was in an accident which left him in a condition the doctors initially deemed "brain dead." I remember as the hours went on that day I would get texts saying ... "he moved his hand" or "he wiggled his feet." By the very next day, the man, who was still in critical condition, had come a long way from his original diagnosis. A little over a week later, he is talking and out of intensive care ... among some other miraculous improvements. He is still very weak especially considering his age, but he is nowhere near where he was.

My only explanation for this is that the Lord did it. People all over were praying and seeking the Lord's hand in all of this ... and He healed this man. He gave this man's family the faith to know that He was going to heal him and that He wasn't done yet.

This man's story has affected so many in the past week ... including myself. I, being a fairly new Christian, do not have the prayer life I should nor do I have the faith. This experience has shown me a little something about what God can do. It has given me faith to keep fighting the fight, keep running the race.

This past year has been one of trials and I only look to see more. It is heartbreaking and painful ... some days I just want to give up. I don't see an end. I don't see the point in all of it. Thankfully, because I am saved, I have a Comforter. And when the going gets tough ... He pushes me to keep going. There is an end. There is a point. It will be worth it after all.

This situation has greatly encouraged me to keep praying and keep fighting. It has encouraged me to pray more, something I definitely need. The Lord has shown me that the bell is gonna ring and the fight will be over. I don't know the bell is the sound of a trumpet or healing to life's situations. I just know God is in control of it.

He knows the end from the beginning.

I am glad my confidence isn't in doctors or people ... but in the sovereign King of kings who created the Earth.

You know, I hate it when I can't sleep. Pregnancy has been doing that to me. I have no problem getting to sleep at night, as I normally check out early. However, if I am awakened in the middle of the night, sleep is no longer my friend. My husband adjusted his hours for today so he could come to our ultrasound, so he went into work at 3am. As he kissed me goodbye before leaving, I began to sneeze (yeah, I have a cold too. Different rant!) and had to pee. Yikes. No more sleep for me.

So I played on Pinterest for the first time and realized this could become a serious addiction. I also read a bunch of pointless tweets on twitter. I checked outside every 30 minutes to make sure no one was breaking in. I was annoyed because our gun is currently kapput. Once I heard my neighbors downstairs slamming doors and running their shower at about 5am, I felt comforted enough to sleep.

Yeah, I hate it when my husband isn't there at night. I imagine every worst possible scenario. Our furnace kicks on and I think it's some creep that is breaking in. So I begin to play a scenario in my mind of how I am going to defend Constance and I with the mermaid knife Josh keeps under his mattress.

Ha ha. I watch too many action movies and my husband's zeal for the 2nd amendment has definitely rubbed off on me. I live in America, though. :)

I was also dealing with the fearful excitement of our first ultrasound that was today. After quite a bit of spotting and being convinced that my getting pregnant so fast was "too good to be true", I was anxious to say the least. I knew deep down that the Lord had things under control and that I had a comforter in Him if things did indeed go wrong. I have prayed and asked the Lord for His will, but nonetheless I didn't know what to expect. Early pregnancy is such a mystery ... especially if you're a freak like me who doesn't have hardly any symptoms to assure you that everything is okay.

So, after a night of Rocky II (Yo Adrian! We did it!) keeping me company and being paranoid, I made it to the doctor's office this afternoon. We waited, waited, waited, and waited. Finally ... we got to see our baby. 

Little Baby Miller (yes, there is only one after endless jokes about me having twins ha ha) is doing just fine. We saw the heartbeat, watched the baby chill (he/she did not want to move for anything!), and learned that the baby's growth is a week ahead of my original due date. However, I am still going to keep saying that I am due in late August instead of saying a specific day. :)

Pregnancy update?

I don't currently have a picture of my belly at the moment. It's no different than the last one I posted ... I am just very bloated from the four pieces of pizza I ate tonight. (Yikes. Oh well.) No morning sickness. No stretch marks. Fatigue is subsiding with exercise and good attitudes. Weight gain is a fluctuation between 1-3 pounds. I see the same doctor as I did with Constance and he is fantastic. And while all I want is a healthy baby, I think it'd be awesome to have a boy.

Names we've chosen?

I changed my mind from Rebecca Jane to Constance Elizabeth during my first pregnancy, so the same may happen here.

Nathanael or Nathaniel Ray (undecided on the spelling) We'd call him Nathan for short. This name means gift of God in the Bible. :)

Allison Lee (the middle name could change. I just figured I would love to pass on my middle name, which is also the middle name of most of my dad's family.)

Wow, this seemed more like 3 posts in one didn't it? Sorry. I never get to blog without having a computer, so I kind of have to do a blogging binge. 

Divorced Kid Woes #1

I don't talk about having divorced parents very often. This is partly because I need to respect my parent's privacy and the decisions they make. My parents are my parents. I love them, they love me, and I know the paths they have chosen are not my fault.

But while journaling one day, I did decide to open up about the experience from my end ... as I keep theirs private. I know that having divorced parents is a challenge to deal with whether you're an adult or a child. It's painful, it's sometimes comical ... and some days it is just down right annoying.

When my parents divorced, I was 17 years old. I didn't think it would bother me, because I already had so much to think about. Graduation, boyfriends, prom, college. One thing I often heard from counselors and other well meaning folks was "It is better for you that they are not together. It has nothing to do with you." I was pretty much force fed the idea that my dad no longer living with us was a healthy idea and that I needed to move on.

I mean ... how do you ask a kid (yes, 17 is still a kid) to move on from their mom and dad not being together?

So I went a long time with this cool front that I was okay with it. I said I understood why and that I didn't care.

Freedom lies within truth, though.

I am not angry with mom and dad for their decisions, as that was a long time ago. I am not going to nitpick why it didn't work. However, I will start this little blog series with my confession:

I think it is sad that children of divorce are being told that it's okay for their parents to be divorced, that it has nothing to do with them. I know that in my case, I was made to feel wrong for even barely expressing a desire for wanting them together. There is nothing wrong with admitting it, as long as you understand that there is a good chance you won't get your wish. That doesn't matter. Being honest with yourself is the most important thing.

My heart hurts when I think about my parents not being together.

There. I said it and I am not ashamed.